How do you know if you want kids?

It would seem preposterous to ask this question, especially since I am a fertility specialist. But nevertheless, the question is important as I have seen many couples going through unimaginable pain, stress and anxiety in order to have a child, so much so that it makes me wonder if these couples are so sure that a child or just the news of having conceived would bring them such joy that it would be worth all the pain they suffer now. I am constantly astounded at the perseverance and dedication that my patients show in the face of adversity all in the hope that they may one day be parents!

So how do you know if you want kids?

In generations prior to ours, this question would be met with a quizzical expression as it was assumed that having babies is just what married couples did. Gone are the days when getting married by a certain age, having a certain number of kids by a certain age and thus fulfilling your obligation to society was the norm. The number of couples who opt for a ‘childless’ marriage is steadily rising because in our generation we have experienced comforts greater than ever seen before in history, and individuals nowadays first weigh the pros and cons of every responsibility or action and if the pros are heavier, only then would that action or responsibility be worthwhile. Examples of such a change are plenty: Postponing marriage, getting a higher education, considering all sorts of career options rather than the more socially acceptable ones like ‘Medicine/engineering’, an increase in the freedom of expression of self and the reluctance to conform to traditional societal structure.

So now it seems necessary to list out ‘logical’ reasons to have a baby. In such a scenario I suppose even the question of ‘why have a baby?’ or ‘will I regret not having a child?’ should be thoroughly discussed and each individual should understand the answers to the question in their own way prior to embarking on this all-important journey of becoming parents. So this article may help those who are still undecided about having a baby.

First, let’s discuss the cons of having a child!

• Financial strain: having a baby in this age and time is no joke financially.What with skyrocketing prices, clothing, food, medical appointments and treatments, schooling etc are all a great burden on the family purse strings. The average cost of living has more than tripled in a couple of decades and a decent education itself would go upwards of 10 lakh rupees excluding college! Of course this money is paid in installments and as long as there is a continuous income it can be managed but still, it is a factor to be considered while planning a family.
• Responsibility: this one is pretty obvious! There could be no greater responsibility than to be in charge of another human life. Every waking moment since the child is born this responsibility is intense, you have to constantly watch what it eats, where it plays, whether its sleeping enough, has it been bathed properly (and the list goes on). The responsibility may slightly diminish as time goes on but it never fully leaves. You will always be worried about the safety and security of your child. Even when its 25-30 years old- is he/she studying the right course, did they get a decent job, are they in love/getting married to the right person (and again the list goes on!)
• Lack of freedom: you know that feeling when you were young and you felt like taking a vacation or just skipping school for a day but you couldn’t because you didn’t have the money or autonomy to make your own decisions. Well after having a child it’s pretty much the same in the sense that you have to plan everything around the baby’s schedule! Will they be able to adjust to the climate and food of the country you want to travel to, will the trip interfere with their school days. Even the small things like going out for ice cream, dinner, movie may not be possible because the child is not ready for it.
• Emotional and physical strain: raising a child involves a lot of sleepless nights, mornings without breakfast or even a shower and a general lack of self-care. This may bring about a straining of the relationship between the couple especially if it is felt that one of them is having an easier time of the whole ‘having a baby’ deal! Hence it is imperative that the couple thoroughly discuss each of their responsibilities and make sure that both partners are on board with the idea of having a baby.
• Change in self-image: A woman’s body goes through a multitude of changes during pregnancy and lactation. The abdominal stretch marks being the least of them. The feeling of having passed the prime of their life can cause a significant drop in self-esteem and confidence if the woman is not given adequate support and care during these trying times.
• The environmental and economic impact of a rising population!

So all these reasons and more are enough to make a young couple think twice, but nothing can really prepare you for the obsessive checking on the child – is it breathing! Is it sleeping alright? Should I change its position? Does this food look like the baby can digest it? Has the feeding bottle been sterilized for the hundredth time today?! Nothing can prepare you for the person you will change into in order to protect and preserve this awesome gift that you have been given.

Couples having babies is the norm and thus it is taken for granted and rarely any thought goes into the decision of having a baby. An infertile couple is constantly harassed with questions from family and society about why they aren’t having a child whereas a couple who have kids were never questioned as to their motives behind creating a life. If asking this question was the norm then it would expose how little the couples have understood about the responsibilities and whether or not they were ready to bring a life into the world.

Now, let’s look at the pros, I mean, there have to be few right? Especially because the world population doesn’t seem to be reducing anytime soon so there must be something good about the whole thing!

• Greater meaning and depth to life: having kids is an experience like no other. The intensity and depth of the love felt is not describable to an individual without children. As famous talk show host David Letterman said in a recent interview with Hollywood heartthrob George Clooney ‘The purpose of your life is now no longer just you’ while discussing their children. Having a child brings a whole new meaning to the term unconditional love. I’ve had friends say that it’s the same as having a puppy or a pet but really there is a world of difference. In a relationship with a pet, you know for sure that your love will be reciprocated whereas with your child that’s not always true and yet you continue loving it. There is no onus on you to set a certain example or to make sure that the pet has a better future or life than you ever did. If the pet had terminal cancer you (for the most part) wouldn’t be willing to trade lives with just so that it could go on living even if you are not there to see it! You don’t save most of your earnings rather than take a holiday or party with friends so that your puppy could go to college one day in the distant future (but would happily do it for your child even when there is a distinct possibility that he/she may not want to go to college!). But as we do these things selflessly and put someone else’s interest ahead of ours, unknowingly we become better people, more humble and grounded and thankful for the everyday blessings that come our way.
• Perspective change: you learn to appreciate the little things in life and also you are constantly reminded of the lengths your parents went to in order for you to reach wherever you are. You are happy sleeping on the floor as long as your child is on the bed comfortable. You may even surprise yourself at how patient and understanding you have become. You no longer have time for frivolous meetings, conversations, items of clothing/accessories etc.
• The chance to make a difference: There are people among us who have been through trauma and have positively responded to it and thus have become stronger and more stable individuals. They are at greater ease when it comes to raising children and setting examples, thus moulding an individual who will have a positive impact on the world. In reality, no one can be absolutely sure that they will be great parents and that their kids will turn out well but all in all they have a better understanding of life and its intricacies.

All the remaining reasons that people give for having kids were ‘to carry on the family name’, ‘to have a male child’, ‘so we can have someone to take care of us in our old age’, ‘someone to manage my business when I am gone’ etc; and I felt that these were too self-serving and narrow-minded as reasons for such wonderful things as childbirth and parenthood.

• No one is so great that they should create life just to carry their name
• Don’t create life just because there is a 50% chance it could be male
• Don’t create a life in order to save your relationship!
• Don’t have a child just because everyone you know is having one!
• There is no guarantee that your child will take care of you in your old
  age or your business after you die! Just like there’s no guarantee that your child will outlive you.

Perhaps the only real reason why anyone should become a parent is that they truly believe they can nurture life and views with respect and humility, the awesome responsibility that having and raising a child actually is and can find joy in carrying out the tiring and tedious chores of parenthood. So those of you who are still undecided about having a baby could go through articles such as these, participate in ‘do I want a baby?’ quizzes online and really look within yourself or seek the help of professionals and come to a conclusion.

Why I stress on this process of self-realization and then making a conscious decision is because only then those of us labelled ‘INFERTILE’ will be able to appreciate and abide by the treatment of infertility and better accept the good and bad that comes with it.

Hope this article was a good and informative read, as professionals in the field of infertility we at The Nest, one of the best infertility clinics in Trivandrum, promise to be the best guides on your meandering and sometimes bumpy road to conception.