Human Sexuality

Sex makes the world go round. It can be the most influential social parameter affecting our fashion, social etiquette, interactions etc. In a way, sex defines who we are! Though the world-famous KAMASUTRA (an ancient text which deals with sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfilment in life) originated here, and as the second-most populous country – which only grows with sex, it is ironic that sex is still a taboo in India. Sex is one of the basic biological drives. Hunger, thirst, sleep and libido are the four drives behind every feeling, thought and emotion of all earthlings. Since these drives are closely linked to the very survival of a species, you would assume that people would speak openly to discuss and understand more about it. Unfortunately, that is not the case for one of them!

The history of human sexuality can be traced back to our ancestors millions of years ago. Records of these can be found in man’s earliest written records and even to pictorial depictions of the cavemen. Rules, advice, stories, dos and don’ts about sex have been written about in various Holy Scriptures, including the Bhagavad Gita to the Quran and the Bible. It was thought that sexual interest was primarily driven by the need for reproduction and perpetuation of the species – as seen in lower animals but as is obvious human crave sex more than they want babies! Suggesting that PLEASURE is the primary force behind our sex drive. In a2007 survey, on asking people for reasons on ‘Why do people have sex?’, more than 230 unique answers were obtained, but the majority were related to pleasure. Let me try to prove this further; Add the number of times you have wanted to have sex, had sex and wish to have sex in the future. Now consider how many times, out of this number is for the sake of reproduction alone, and how many times for pleasure? I guess you have your answer.

We can understand the basic differences in the psyche of the two genders when it comes to sex by relating it to the physiology of their reproductive systems. As we all know, a man produces trillions of sperms in his lifetime and in any given time, he can produce millions of them in a single ejaculate. We can relate this to their perceived casual nature with which they regard sex and sexual partners (as also with various other aspects in life). Whereas, a woman has a limited number of oocytes to be released in her entire lifetime. Moreover, she cannot produce an oocyte at will. It is released one at a time during a specific period of her menstrual cycle and this can be related to their more careful and serious approach to sex and partners (again, as also with other things in life). This can also be attributed to the fact that it is the woman who has the ability to get pregnant and will, for the most part be responsible for the developing child.

Some researchers believe that this behavior is hardwired into our genes from the time of Neanderthals and cavemen, as they had societies where males would impregnate a female and then would roam the area in search of another mate as in those times their duty was only to ‘spread their seed as far and wide as possible’, in order for the species to flourish, whereas women would band together and care for their offspring. So let us take a closer look at this infamous question. Do men really have a lower bar, lower inhibition and lower ‘morality’ when it comes to sex? Do women really need to be wined and dined and the candles scented just right before taking the plunge? Here is our humble attempt in trying to decipher few of the carnal secrets behind sex.

Where Does It All Get Routed?

Early on in life, models of sexual behaviour get imprinted on young minds. Obviously, the brains of the two genders are wired differently. Let us go right to the beginning and look at how sex is first presented to the two genders. Girls are usually taught about sex in their homes, at an earlier age than boys and mostly by their mothers. Cautionary tales are spun and all the advice is usually geared towards the girls as they more ‘susceptible’ and the boys have the ‘upper hand’ or have ‘nothing to lose’. Girls are always admonished regarding the way they speak, laugh, sit, dress and even who they interact with. They are under constant scrutiny with regards to their daily activities and all this brings about a sense of danger lurking around the corner. It is as if the female virginity is to be guarded like a pirate’s treasure with hungry men always on the prowl for an opportunity to rob it. Of course, the ability of women to get pregnant and beget children is the main reason why they are cautioned against sex and rightly so, thus they inadvertently become the ‘gatekeepers’ of sexual interactions.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the boys, who are for the most part neglected during their pubertal transition. They receive their knowledge from outside their homes and are usually misinformed and sometimes dangerously so! No one bothers to address the sudden onset of explicit dreams followed by ejaculations while sleeping; embarrassing and often unprovoked penile erections and the newly found interest in the neighbourhood girls! Nevertheless, most men learn to masturbate and perform sexually, deal with the opposite sex and manage relations all by themselves mostly by watching videos. Broadly speaking, sex seems like a need for men much like food and water and women are the ones capable of giving it to them. Thus men must woo the women and please them, so that they may give them access to this much sought after pleasure-giving ‘drug’.

Are Men Really From Mars And Women From Venus?

So, are men and women really that different when it comes to eroticism? Research claims that they are as different as the sun and the moon. It was always assumed that sexuality differed drastically between the two genders for the last few centuries. This continued until recently when feminism began to rise. Sexual differences were then attributed to the society and its many restrictions on womankind. More recent research, however, challenges these assumptions and suggests that there are indeed dramatic differences in the nature of sexuality when it comes to the genders. So let us try to understand some of these differences.

Before we begin, we would like to emphasize that the points listed below are just average tendencies. Nature provides exceptions to every rule. We have personally come across them and there are plenty. As they say, it is not always black and white.

1. Sexual desire is greater in men when compared to women.

Yes, the myths are true! As far as thinking about and wanting sex goes;men are way ahead of the women! Study after study has proven that sex drive is not only stronger in men when compared to women, but more straight forward. Men have a fixed, biologically determined sex drive. They are more reactive to visual cues and spontaneously develop a sexual desire. A man’s sexual desire is aroused at the sight of a naked or even a provocatively dressed, attractive woman irrespective of the situation.This is relatively insensitive to context, emotions or feelings. Women, on the other hand, have a much more variable sex drive, reactive to various surrounding circumstances and not just the visual aspects. It is common knowledge that women give more value to emotional connection as a part and parcel of sexual desire.

2. Masturbation is more common in men than women

Historically, masturbation has earned its fair share of ill repute and is riddled with myths. However, evidence suggests that it increases marital satisfaction and sexual gratification – thus contributing greatly to improved psychological health. Frequency of masturbation is greatly affected by the cultures and norms of the society we live in. Of course, there are women who do it every day and men rarely so. Still on an average, irrespective of the culture, masturbation was definitely found to be higher in men. Men tend to indulge in it on a regular basis while women don’t. For men, all it takes is a visually provocative image or video and the deed is done in minutes (if not seconds!) whereas for women, it would take much more such as an erotic conversation or a book, images and videos that hint at sexual activity rather than the ones that depict it outright, and the act itself would last for a longer duration than for men.

3. Women’s sexual turn-ons are more complicated than men’s

What do women really want? We’d be willing to give our right arm to know the answer! Not even women themselves seem to know the exact answer to this one. A research study conducted in a Northwestern University showed erotic films to straight and gay men and women and asked them on their levels of sexual arousal and cross-matched it by measuring the level through devices attached to them. The results were quite predictable in men, with straight men being turned on by heterosexual and lesbian videos, gay men reporting turn on by gay videos, which were all supported by the devices backing them up. For women, however, the results were conflicting, to say the least. They reported being turned on by heterosexual videos. But the devices showed the same level of arousal to male-female, male-male and female-female sex as long as there was a hint of emotion and back story to them. In fact, they even responded to animal videos, although they vehemently refused to accept it. So we wouldn’t be wrong in saying that women are more likely to show inconsistencies between their expressed ideas and their actual behavior.

4. Women’s sexuality tends to be more malleable and fluid whereas men are more rigid.

Few researches have argued that people in general aren’t straight or gay but fall along a continuum. This has been found to be more so, in cases of women. Women’s sexuality has found to be capable of change over time. There is so much unchartered territory when it comes to women’s sexual responses. As we talked about before, women have been found to be attracted to both the genders while men are more rigid in who they want to have sex with. It is not necessarily saying that women will sleep with the person of the same sex, but they are said to have the capacity for it. At the risk of sounding controversial, women are complex beings and they themselves are not clear on what they like or want.

5. Men are more open to having multiple sexual partners/short term relationships

It has also been proven that men are comfortable way faster to have sex with a new partner, whereas women take more time to open up sexually. Women tend to give more emphasis on committed relationships, emotions and feelings as a context for sexuality. Some women claim passion and being desired by someone as more important than the orgasm itself. If we care to venture, I am sure we will find some men who do too. But on a majority, men tend to view sexual activity as just that – a mere physical act of sex! Men treat it more like a release and are constantly fantasizing about different sexual partners; Whereas women see it as a permanent bond, and that she has pulled down her defensive wall for this man and intends to let only him in. This mismatch is obviously geared to cause problems. Statistically speaking, a woman is more likely to be content and fulfilled with a single partner her entire life than a man. A man on an average desire three times the number of partners a woman desires!

6. Men are more likely to seek/initiate sexual encounters and pay for sex.

Men are wired to look at physicality, the mere act of making love rather than the context or the emotion behind it, whereas women are rarely turned on by just the physical act. They need much more; a back story, a bond between the two main characters, some dialogue filled with emotion, descriptions of what is playing out in their minds etc! In an interesting experiment conducted in America, men and women were asked to seek sex with a member of the opposite gender who was similar to them in attractiveness and not surprisingly, none of the women accepted the proposal. But, 3 out of 4 men were open to the proposal and even those who refused were regretful and felt the need to explain to the women the reasons for their refusal, whereas the women felt no such need nor were they regretful! We definitely don’t mean to hint that men are emotionless or they don’t crave intimacy or love as women do. They just view sex differently. For some men, sex IS the connection. It is their way of expressing love.

7. Women are more influenced by social and cultural factors, while men give more importance to physical appearances.

Various experiments have found that men tend to automatically respond to attractive people. They are more likely to give undue importance to the physical appearance of a potential mate than a woman does. On the other hand, women tend to outweigh looks by power, societal status and the ability to provide security by their male counterparts. For most boys, sexual arousal and behaviour are just means of physical pleasure. Despite being independent, most women enjoy being wined and dined and look up to chivalrous deeds by men. Though recent feministic ideologies do talk about equality issues when it comes to everything; the majority still continues to fall short. Studies on this are plenty and they all prove that women look for something more than the mere act of sex itself. Maybe that’s why men fall short of their expectations, all too often!

8. Men reach a climax much before women do

Cumming to the Big O [pun intended], unfortunately, orgasms have proven to be much more elusive in the ladies. Men, on average, take 2-7 minutes from the point of entry to ejaculation. Women usually take around 10-12 minutes to reach an orgasm – if they do at all! Orgasms are known to provide multiple health benefits due to the release of hormones and other chemicals by the body during the peak of sexual release. Now coming to the good news, it’s a relatively lesser-known fact that women are blessed with bodies that are capable of experiencing an orgasm in more ways than just one. Some researchers claim that there are as many as 12 different types of female orgasms, the most common type being the clitoral one. Women are also capable of having multiple orgasms without the need for a longer refractory period as commonly seen in men.

9. Women’s libido seems to be less responsive to drugs than the male libido

In a study done on couples, a whopping 80 per cent male said they consistently had an orgasm, compared to a mere 25 per cent of the ladies. With a more straight forward sex drive in men, most types of sexual dysfunction can be easily treated with drugs. Men have openly embraced drugs as a cure for not only performance anxiety but erectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculations and even a shrinking libido. With women though, the search for a drug has proven to be more evasive. Testosterone has been linked to sex drive in both the genders. But these supplements have only been found to be useful in men. However, not to lose hope ladies! Considering all the factors that play a role in women’s sexuality, drugs should be the last choice rather than the first and there are plenty of options available

Sex Education:

To say that sex education is woefully inadequate and fails to address the issues adolescents face today would be an understatement, especially in our country.

Sex is far too important a topic not to be addressed at school. It should ideally be a part of the curriculum and the teachers must be trained to approach the topic with sensitivity and an open mind. The students should be sensitized by giving them access to a counsellor trained in this area; the more the topic is discussed freely, the better for the overall development into responsible adults. These classes or interactions should freely discuss the topic from the male and female perspective so that there are a clear understanding and sensitivity between the sexes. Often, we see sex education classes being hurried up with the students giggling and the teacher pretending not to notice! In my own school, two of the biology teachers were hesitant to take the class and so the one remaining teacher had to combine the students of all three classes into one and teach. Fortunately, the class turned out to be a good one. But the hesitation and inhibition coming from the teachers at schools are unbecoming and it is high time the issue gets the attention that it truly deserves.

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and its prevention, safe sex practices, pregnancy and contraception are of utmost importance and should be inculcated in the syllabus. With respect to these burning topics, ignorance is definitely not bliss! The chapter on sex and reproduction in biology shouldn’t be taught with just the board exams in mind but should also elaborate on the social, familial and psychological repercussions. This will help the adolescents to enter the adult world better prepared and capable of handling this volatile aspect of being human. Imagine a society where young men knew how it felt to have monthly periods and took care of their female counterparts during this time. Adults who know what the opposite sex expects from a sexual relationship and approaches it with the respect it is due! Sounds utopian I know, but it is definitely worth trying to emulate.

The only way to achieve this, if we are ever going to, is by educating the young. Clearly, sexuality is varied and people engage in a multitude of behaviours. As we have discussed, sex varies substantially from one culture to the next. Among all these differences, there is one universal concept that is fundamental and accepted by all – CONSENT. Sexual consent refers to the voluntary, conscious and
empathic participation in a sexual act which can be withdrawn at any given time. Sexual consent is the very foundation of healthy, normal and acceptable sex life. Any and all types of Non-Consensual sex amounts to sexual assault or rape. Remember that consent is never implied by things such as your past behaviour, what you wear or where you are. Silence should not be misinterpreted as consent. Sexual consent should always be clearly communicated. It is not only important the first time you are with someone, couples who have engaged in sexual activity before or even been together for a long time too, need consent before sex every single time.

When engaging in sexual activity, respect each other’s boundaries; discuss desires, likes and dislikes for a more pleasurable experience which in turn reduces the chances of disappointment. Honesty and communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Sex is not concrete and is indeed an abstract concept. Ultimately, open discussions in such matters will help couples understand each other and even themselves better and lead a happier life. And most importantly, don’t be afraid of the ‘Log Kya Kahenge’. Seek help when you need. Ask, question, and learn. You will be surprised at the miracles that our body has to offer. So here’s to a lifetime of exploring and figuring out new things!